Big News

Ok so I haven't written for a while, but its because I have been trying to take some time to decide where I'm at right now in my life. Work has been frustratingly slow in coming, I have a few friendships blossoming but I still spend way too much time alone, and its killing me slowly knowing that every time I eat, I am spending money without having any come in, and slowing watching my bank account dwindle down to nothing like the Chinese water torture of finance. I am loath to go home (not that it doesn't cross my mind 7000 times a day) because that would be admitting defeat, and more practically, would put me right back where I am now, i.e. looking for work. Continuing on like this is wearing me out and making me question my mental state. And in both instances, both choices seem to leave me without what I came here for...some sort of answers. Some sort of reason and justification and purpose and insight into the great questions of life, like why are we here, what is love, and why does your back always itch in that one place you can't reach to scratch it?

So, what am I getting at? Recently another option in this great game of life was made known to me. I have never been a very religious person. Raised a Catholic, I have always had too much mind and too little faith, and let my questions get in the way of practicing and believing. But in the last few months, I have become more and more exposed to the ideas of Buddhism, and the Eightfold Path. I have long believed that answers to my questions, that 'inner peace' as it is so poetically put, would be found within myself. And that the things that can make me truly happy would come from within, from my own moral values and my own inner contentment. Maybe it was my stubborn independence or pig headed arrogance, but even the Christian doctrine of 'trusting in God' seemed too easy to me. To just entrust my life to someone else, even a higher power, seemed to be taking the easy way out, and I am convinced that true happiness lies along the hard road of figuring it out for yourself. And I think that's what has always appealed to me about Buddhism, is that it is more of a set of principles to live by than a specific doctrine of what to believe. By following these principles, and through meditation and thought, it is possible to achieve nirvana or inner peace.

Anyways, I'm putting off what it is I have to tell everyone. (I'm strangely really nervous right now.) Well, here it is: I've decided to take the vows at a monastery and become a monk. Taking myself out of my comfort zone and coming to Thailand was a start, but I think I've realized that its not enough and I'll never find what I'm looking for this way. I am still too connected. I still spend too much time online, and eating at McDonalds and following american sports and politics. I need to leave that all behind and fully commit myself to self realization. And I truly think this is going to help me do that. OK, so what does this mean? Well, first of all its a three year commitment to become a full monk. The temple master I have been speaking too stresses that this is merely the most basic of guidelines and that its different for everyone. Some take longer, a few shorter, but its only when you are your abbot decide you are ready that you become fully robed. He also says that a decent portion of monks choose to remain in the monastery for the majority of their lives. While I don't plan on this, I can't discount it happening if it seems like the right thing for me. And if don't, I will only be 27 or 28 when I am finished, and will hopefully have a true sense of what I am doing in life and what makes me happy. I'm not allow to speak or make any audible sounds for the first 2 months, and I am allowed no contact with anyone outside of the monastery for the first year or so. I give them the contact info for my next of kin, and they will let my mom and dad know if anything happens. Though I live in the monastery, I spend my time studying (for me, both the precepts of Buddhism and Thai), meditating, and performing simple manual labor, so the chance of anything happening is pretty low. But yea, I won't be able to communicate with anyone for a year, which is the biggest reason I wouldn't do this. But I have been thinking about it so much, that bottom line, I need to do whats right for me, and I am almost convinced this is it.

I still have two weeks till I head to the monastery - its up in the mountains, absolutely beautiful - so I can still talk until then and use that time to get my affairs in order. I know pretty much no one is going to understand or support this decision, but like I said, I'm channeling my inner Ayn Rand and doing what's best for me. Hopefully I'll have a chance to talk to everyone I would like to in the next two weeks. Hope everyone is doing well.

TPWWLT - Trick Daddy - 'Let's Go'

PS April Fools :)